To some it may have been sad, but to one alone it was pure tragedy – the pure sad tragedy of saying goodbye to that which had been and would tragically never be again. It was a funeral as it were…
So today a group stands here, gathered to say that fond farewell to that which was. Some were somewhat bewildered thinking why was a formal ceremony needed for thing such as this? But they had never felt this type of loss and would not understand without it.
One stood apart from the rest; heavy hearted, broken hearted, sorrowful – she was “the aggrieved”, all of that in one sad little person who knew that in order to move forward in peace – would have to look back no more and as such this formal ceremony was necessary.
You may be confused since it was not a person that was lost and yet… at the same time it was – for you see the sad little person had lost herself – the self she had been, the self from birth to age 46 – who had grown up tall and fit, strong, independent, confident and mostly fearless.
Gone was that person, and left behind was someone who was no longer tall, nor fit, who had to ask others for help, who had lost that confidence and feared quite a bit.
This ceremony was a goodbye, a letting go of not only that which was but mostly the memories of what had been – which was probably the hardest part, as those memories kept her from moving forward with the “New Normal”. Imposed on her by fate, unwanted and unwelcome.
The new normal prevented her from riding her bike like she did with the wind blowing through her hair and the scenery whizzing by, that kept her from reaching things on the second shelf – kept her from feeling safe as she walked down the street or was in a crowd. This new fragility (that she hated) – the inability to be strong, to need to ask for help moving a box or a piece of furniture when in the past she was who helped others.
She took a few photos of her past self in those days, looking tanned, strong and happy – on her bike, her kayak, playing with her dog and put them all in a ceramic bowl. The few who remained in her life who knew her then came around her now, the ones who knew her only since the change came too and enveloped her in a blanket of love and support.
She took a deep breath to strengthen herself, lit them on fire and said goodbye…
by Norma Pitzer-Kelly